i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. and i’ve also been thinking about it for quite some time now, but the words never seemed to come out they way i wanted them to. the good thing about today is that it is a chance for another try. i started this in july. and i finished it today.
i lost my brand new, four dollar eye make-up remover in new york city this summer and i never did find it. and it still bothers me because i really wonder where it went. it’s not that the make up remover was irreplacable or even that important. but i have a habit of always wanting things to be found. i started to think of loss in the same way, of not realizing how badly you may want something until it’s not yours anymore. is it the actual absence that’s hardest or the no longer being present?
i think about other things in my life in the same way.
what about the things in life that you lose that are worth something? that mean more to you than mascara free eyes?
i believe that you can lose things in different ways. maybe by choice or perhaps by accident. maybe in a moment or over a period of time. some losses mean nothing, and other losses can mean everything. you can lose anything really; weight.your mind.yourself. family.friends.material items.time.patience.control. and when it comes down to it, you might only want some of it you want back. and maybe you want all of it back, every.teeny.tiny.detail. and maybe you miss it but are glad that it is gone. maybe you don’t know what it would feel like to get it back. maybe it is all you ever think about.
i won’t pretend that i have any sort of clue about what loss feels like for you, because i understand that i don’t. but i know what hurt feels like. and i don’t have the solution on how to make things found. on how to bring things back. what i do know is that you should do what you can, in whatever way that you can. you should make the best choice even if you don’t want to. you should say i love you to whoever can hear it. you should smile because they were here. you should cry if it hurts. you should say sorry if it is your turn. you should remember if that will help.
when i thought about it, i have lost a few people in my life…in different ways and for different reasons. some losses are more permanent than others. today was meaningful because i decided i didn’t want to lose things i had control of keeping ahold of. that i didn’t want to lose things that are still here. i said sorry today. it was late. far too late. but just as important. because you can’t take back that you were wrong, but you can move forward with trying to do things right. and a sorry doesn’t have to mean that nothing ever happened, a sorry can mean i know that it did. a sorry can mean the beginning of something found.
and in the spirit of finding, i found the right words to tell my family.friends.boyfriend. how much they mean to me. i found the words to tell the cashier how much i liked her smile- because i didn’t want her to lose it. i found new ways of looking for things in unexpected places. i found out a lot about myself. and today i remembered the special people in my life that are no longer here. the people who have touched my life in ways that i cannot explain or fully understand. today i remembered that while the person may not be here, the memories still are. and remembering helps me not to forget.
there are a lot of things i’d like to say about being lost. but they mostly involve being found.
and in the end, i think that’s okay too.