i went for a run today. i ran for the frustration of paperwork that gets in the way, the unfairness of mental illness, the overwhelming systemic issues. i ran for the tiredness, the never ending to-do list, the not enough hours in the day. i have a tendency to hold onto small things- side comments, criticism, handwritten notes from sixth grade- and sometimes those small things turn into clutter. clutter in your thoughts, minds, room, and life. too many details can be overwhelming sometimes.
and when things aren’t simple, they get complicated.
and somewhere in between 8th and 9th grade, i learned that part of moving on is letting go. of that heartache, that bad day, the big mistake, and first regret. it’s accepting that apology you never got. it’s crying for as long as you need to. it’s being okay and not being okay. it’s taking that deep breath in and making a conscious decision to move forward.on.upward.
and on discouraging days like today i like to picture myself holding on to a red balloon with a black, wiry string. it’s a little weird, i know. but the important part is the loosening of my grip on the string and watching that balloon float on up into the sky. it never pops though, it just rises until it disappears. to me, that’s what letting go feels like.
it’s that release. the no longer holding on to something.
i think the thing about letting go is that you can’t do it until you are ready. with the big things and small things. and of course i realize that it is different for different people, and certain situations are harder than others, and that it all takes various amounts of time. but when it gets to that point, i hope you’ll remember that you can do it. you can do it in the same way jump off of that diving board; slowly or all at once. you can gracefully fall, plunge, or fight all the way through, what matters it that you do it in your way. and do it for yourself.
so i guess the run didn’t really matter that much after all.
what matters is that i let that balloon go.