September 23rd. There are so many small details. Like you coming back from the grocery store with a pregnancy test and me rolling my eyes, laughing lightheartedly. Like the distinct word “pregnant” stunning my mind into disbelief. Like your face lighting up, and an unmistakable flood of happiness radiating throughout the room. My bare feet on the hardwood floor. We went to the bookstore and then got ice cream to celebrate. Me softly allowing the word “baby” to rest gently on my lips.
I want to honor the fact that everyone’s experiences of pregnancy or trying to get pregnant are different. For some people it’s a life dream coming to fruition; for others, overwhelm, challenges, and fear. And for others still, a feeling of loss for not meeting the child you’ve always wanted, anger, frustration, or a sense of tiredness. My offering and gentle reminder is to take what you can from my words- even if that perhaps means not reading this post if that would feel better for your heart.
I have a lot of words to say, but for now, two lessons are resonating most strongly: what it means to show up for the people that I love and how to lean more deeply into uncertainty. I’ll start by saying this: my heart overflows with so much love that it sometimes comes out as tears- and not hormonal tears- tears that come from this deep well within my heart that knows how good this is. Tears that know to savor the expressions of friendship, support, and thoughtfulness that continue to unfold in ways that leave me at a loss for words. The people I have in my life are more wondrous that I could have wished for and the universe continuously reminds me how to show up in love more fully for the people in my life because it’s a lesson I’ve not yet mastered. I get lost in working two jobs, trying to see as much of the world as I can, and in setting new goals. I get lost in trying to stay caught up on household work, attending yoga classes, and learning. And sometimes I get so busied with doing and holding space that my deepest value gets lost in it all- connection. Connection, for me, is what makes life rich and full. It’s about forming relationships and molding ourselves into better versions of who we are because of the people that restore and grow our inner landscapes. And if I’ve learned anything in my first trimester of pregnancy, it’s to shift my focus. Moving from completing tasks to making more long-distance telephone calls. Sitting in a messy house if it means spending more time laughing with you. Making a better effort because I only get to do this life once with all of you.
My first four months of pregnancy are a reminder about love. About viscerally knowing how quickly our hearts begin to expand in ways I couldn’t have known existed before becoming a refuge to a life. I think our bodies soften in pregnancy because it’s a reflection of the expansion of our hearts. And for me, pregnancy is a beautiful reminder about how precious and fragile life is, how close and sweet we must be to another human life, and about how deeply significant our relationships to each other are.
As for uncertainty. The question mark that rarely makes it’s way on to a page in my life- mainly because I’ve spent so many years and pages of planners organizing all of the next steps. We all know the time I’ve spent planning and detailing every life goal could have never prepared me for this. And so life offers me uncertainty because that’s what life is and that’s what I need. What I know is that we lose the richness of life by having it all figured out, of being so attached to a route that we don’t allow time for detours and off-roading.
So I’m letting myself bloom wildly. Into this new iteration of my story, into this new layer of life that I have the fortune to experience. I’m hoping to meet these next five months with wonder and awe. Awe at what the human body can do and inspiration at what love can make. And may I stay forever uncertain. Uncertain of the next step and the slow unfolding of what’s yet to come.
So I guess this isn’t a post about motherhood (yet); it’s a post about staying close to the people who celebrate life with you, the people who say just the right words at the exact right moment and the people who will cry with you. It’s a post about allowing your life to unfold in a way that is different from what you may have expected. It’s about softening into the unknowing. It’s about blooming.
This mystery experience. This mystery person building a home inside of my body, a nest within my heart. I hadn’t ever fully considered motherhood, but I’ve always known love.